I’m losing it. Whatever it was. Mostly sleep I think.

I woke up in a strange place on Christmas Eve. I just sat there for hours staring at that knee wall, just waiting for something to come to me. Light cracked in the window, just barely enough to see that it was morning. Empty and lifeless I waited to feel something, anything. I felt a warm body curled up next to me head rested on my chest, one that I’d said possibly 5 real words to that night. Trying to remember a time when someone held me that close I drove home, still trying make sense of everything. I still don’t get it.

I kind of forgot I had a tumblr.

I could watch the sun come up over the city soon, but I think it would just make me feel terrible about being up this late again. It’s not being awake that really bothers me… it’s being up all night alone again. I hate seeing the sun come through my windows when I’m laying in bed trying to calm myself down enough to fall asleep. The dull orange glow of a streetlight is all I have keeping me company anymore, I know it will be there every night, it’s the only thing I can count on. I don’t know if am looking for anything to stick around, someone once in a while would be fine, and to be honest I don’t know if I could handle someone sticking around right now. A body next to me while I fall asleep. A good morning from a tired, but upbeat voice. That’s what I’m looking for once in a while, just something to remind me life isn’t always this stale.

I just heard a girl in a coffee shop yell out a math equation, so I solved it. That’s how bored I am.

New hobbies that I’m going to take up to meet people… standing in long lines, carrying 1 cigarette and a lighter with me (only 1 so people think I’m super nice to them giving away my last one eventhough I don’t smoke), asking directions even when I don’t need them, looking for my pretend lost dog, and I just fell asleep while typing this. fuck I’m going to sleep.

Its official. My new neighbor is indeed NOT attractive. Lame.

The other night I watched a cat give birth, kind of. The poor cat was pushing this kitten out for hours, and when it finally did come out it was dead. I didn’t actually witness the birth itself but I did see some steps along the way. When the kitten was just barely poking out and then about half way through and then finally when she was cleaning its lifeless little body. It was sad, but didn’t really bother me since it is all part of life and nature.

I thought a lot about what I had witnessed that night and could only come to the conclusion that I miss you. Where did you go? I don’t know what to do and I’m almost sure you could help. You always had that way about you. There was a sense of humor there that I could never understand being that young. Looking back on it I think you would be so happy with us, all of us. Maybe some more than others, but we’re all doing our thing, the only way we know how.

I can’t tell what exactly it is that bothers me anymore, the fact that I don’t have what I want or that I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve been seriously lost for about a year now, not that I knew where I was before that, but at least I had a better idea.